


I need you like a heart needs to beat

by Blueberrycreme



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Magnus bane death, Sad, Sad Alec Lightwood, im sorry, more like broken
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-24
Updated: 2017-10-24
Packaged: 2019-01-22 15:03:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12484372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blueberrycreme/pseuds/Blueberrycreme
Summary: What would have happened if Magnus Bane had died that day...The day when Jace activated the soul sword.





	I need you like a heart needs to beat

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really sorry okay?

A shot of energy cursed through Magnus body. His head suddenly felt like it was exploding, warm and cold at the same time. Everything around him was bright and lit by the unknown source. Falling to his knees, Magnus put his head in his hands. He didn’t even notice the screams that where escaping his throat by now. Closing his eyes shut, the world around him seemed to dissolve. The pain leaked through every part of his body. He felt like he was on fire. He probably was. He couldn’t tell anymore. Everything went bright. 

Valentine was smiling proudly at the falling soldiers, the filthy downworlders in front of him. They screamed and squirming from pain. Then, it was over and he was gone.   
“Oh my god.”, Clary said when she looked up from where she was hunched over Simon to protect him. 

Wearing a shocked expression, Simon stood up too.

“Simon, you are okay.”, Clary looked at him. 

“How?”, he breathed out. 

Shaking her head, Clary looked around the room. 

“Every other downworlder in here, they… they are all dead.”, Simon gulped. 

“I don’t know… I just pray the adamas in the walls contained the blast.”, Clary said.   
Looking around the room, searching, Simon eyes widened. 

“Where is Valentine?”, he asked. 

“He is gone.”, Clary sighed, the shock still clear on their faces. 

A intake of breath caught their attention. Jace lifting himself off the ground, eyes fixated on the massacre in front of him. 

“Jace.”, Clary walked over to him. 

“I don’t understand.”, Jace said.

His voice was shaking and his eyes wide with shock and guilt. 

“How did I activate the soul sword?”, he asked, more to himself than the others. 

“Only someone with pure angle blood could have done it…”, Clary said and Jace whipped around.   
Clarys eyes widened. 

“You don’t have demon blood, Jace.”, she quietly said, a small smile making its way on her face but vanished when she saw the look on his face and remembered what just happened. 

Jace eyes were blood shot and tears made them look shinier than normally. 

Hearing footsteps approaching them, they turned around to see Alec running into the room. 

“No.”, he breathed out, scanning the corpses on the floor. 

Jace kept looking at Alec, pain clear on his face. He waited for his parabatai to say something, anything. 

“You did this.”, Alec spit, looking at Clary with anger. 

“You activated the sword.”, he said, but it was more of a question. 

“No.”, Clary whispered but Jace cut her off with a shaky voice. 

“I did.”, Jace said. 

“I thought I was destroying it, Alec, but…”, Jace looked back at the dead downworlders all around the room. His throat tightening.

Shaking his head, Alec eyes grew wide with angst. 

“Where is Magnus?”, he asked.

Simon looked up, he hadn’t thought about that there was any chance one of his friends was inside the building. 

“He wasn’t here, was he?”, Alec raised his hand.

“I- I don’t know. “, Jace said. This couldn’t be happening. 

“We portaled in upstairs. We split up. I…”, Clary shook her head. 

“Oh, god.”, Alec looked at the floor, thoughts running miles per hour. 

“Alec.”, Jace pleaded, but his parabatai was already running out of the room, only glancing back once. This couldn’t be happening. 

 

Running around the institute, everything seemed to slow down. Alec didn’t notice any of the faces passing him, he only searched for one. He didn’t react when people called him. His thoughts were occupied by a certain guys face, his laugh, the way he moved his hands while talking. Running down the hall, he looked in all the rooms. The halls and rooms were filled with more and more downworlders, he had lost on count. Dark brown hair caught his eyes, but it was another seelie, lying face down like most of them. Maybe it was better that way. He couldn’t look at all their faces. 

Running down the stairs, he was already out of breath, he had searched for about half an hour and there was still no sign of his love. Love. The word had been in his head since a few weeks now. It was almost a year ago that he had met the glittery man that he now called his. He had never been in love. The feelings he had for Jace had been nothing but a crush, maybe because Jace had been there when he figured stuff out. But Magnus. With Magnus everything felt magical. ‘Love’ had been on his mind lately, but now he was running around, breathless and barely taking in a breath. Breathing in was something he would do once he had found his love. 

“Magnus?!”, he screamed, turning full circle, searching around own of the training rooms. 

Lifting his hands, he tugged at his hair, pained expression.

Shaking his head, he didn’t have time for this. He had to search for Magnus. He ran out of the room, stopping dead in his tracks. He kept looking ahead, because in the corner of his eyes someone lay on the floor, face down like the others. He kept looking ahead. He didn’t want to look. He knew that silvery jacket. 

The jacket Magnus had worn on one of their dates. The jacket had smelled like jasmin and sandalwood, when Alec had hugged him tight. A tear escaped his eyes, but he kept looking ahead. Then, he slowly turned towards the figure. He took two shaky steps before bending down, gently wiping a few strands of hair out of Magnus face. The other one was staring into nowhere, his eyes cold and silvery like his jacket.

Alec’s throat was tight. He couldn’t breathe, but he wouldn’t cry. He shielded his heart. This wasn’t happening. He was going to be okay. 

“You are going to be okay.”, he whispered, bending down further to press a gentle kiss onto Magnus cheek. “We are fine.”, he whispered, lying down. Pulling Magnus onto his chest, he softly stroked his hair. 

“You are going to be okay my love.”, Alec stared at the ceiling. Magnus was cold. His body limb in his arms. Carefully lying Magnus back down, he sat up, Alec skipped back until his back hit the wall. Pulling his legs up, he lifted his hands to tug at his hair. Rocking back and forth, a sob escaped his mouth. 

He looked down; he couldn’t look at his love anymore. His love.

The sob turned into screams. He couldn’t see anymore, the tears where shielding his sight. 

He rocked back and forth. His love. Heels clicked and soon he pulled into a tight hug and warmth engulfed him. Izzy. He didn’t know how long they had been sitting there. Both crying. Izzy had pulled him tight to her chest, when she saw who was lying there, confirming what she had prayed for never to happen, she had begun to sob too. After a while, warlocks had come to pick Magnus corpse up. Catarina standing behind them, biting her lips to stop them from trembling, her hands in fists. 

Alec had stood up, pushing the two men away, they wouldn’t touch him. He screamed at them, then his vision went blurry. 

When he woke up hours after, a nurse explained they had given him with a calming injection and Magnus was gone. 

Before he had met him, everything was fine. Alec had been a soldier. A cold soldier. At least he tried to. He had woken up, headed into the training room and taking down a few demons. 

But then Magnus had walked into his life, turning it upside town. Alec didn’t register what happened in the next days. He just lay in his bed. A few times a day, his sister walked in, talking to him, but he kept staring at the ceiling. It was like that for a few weeks. Clary walking in, telling him to look at the sun, go for a hunt, talk. Simon trying to make him smile. His mother demanding for him to stand up before sighing, whispering that she loved him and walking out. His sister came in with food every day. At least she didn’t attempt to cook, she always bought something. The sun began to rise but it always felt like a heartbeat before she begun to set again. 

“Alec… you have to stand up. It was been three weeks and you haven’t left this room once.”, his sister laid next to him, caressing his arm. 

“He is dead.”, Alec said. It was the first thing he had said in three weeks. 

Gulping, his sister nodded. “Yes.”

Alec turned around. He couldn’t stand up yet.

The next day, Alec walked out of his room. Everybody stared at him when he walked into the big hall, commanding the reports of the last mission. 

“Jace, we are leaving in five minutes.”, he demanded, walking past his parabatai without looking at him. 

Jace face was expressionless. 

The hunt went good, they took down a few demons before returning to the institute. 

“Alec. I-“, Jace started when they walked past the grand doors. He hadn’t visited Alec once, his guilt had been too much. 

“Don’t. Don’t talk about it. Never.”, Alec said. Looking into Jaces eyes for the first time that day. 

Putting his bow back into the training room, Alec walked way. 

The next months, everyone at the institute observed Alec with worry, expecting him to break every minute, but it never happened. Almost five months later, people stopped being careful around him. The only ones who were still worried were Jace, Izzy, Clary and Simon. Jace hadn’t smiled much since the night of the soul sword, nor did he flirt or was his sarcastic self. It was obvious to those who knew Jace, that he was hurting for his parabatai. 

Izzy had tried to make Alec talk, resulting in a fight between them. 

A year later, even Izzy had stopped. Alec was back to his soldier self. He did whatever the clave asked of him. 

“Mister Lightwood? I have a fire message for you.”, a voice interrupted Alec from punching the hell out of a punching back, sweat was tripping down his face and back. Turning around, he took the message out of the guys hand who then walked out of the training room. Opening the envelope, Alec stared at the writing. 

‘The High Warlock of Brooklyn, Mario Versalez,   
invites the New York Institute to his winter gathering.   
Full of spirit, wine and laughter!   
With greetings, Mario Versalez.’

Turning around, Alec threw the envelope across the room before he started to punch the bag again. At the end of the night, his knuckles bleeded. 

 

Three years later.

Walking around the institute, Izzys heels clicked on the floor. She was in a good mood, considering her parents finally divorcing. Smiling, she walked up the stairs.   
“Guess wha-“, she opened the door to Alec bedroom. 

Her big brother was sitting on the edge of his bed, looking at something in his hands. Tears slowly ran down his face but no sobs were heard.  
“Alec?”, Izzy whispered, kneeling down in front of her brother. 

“We were in Tokyo that night… it was wonderful.”, Alec whispered, showing her a bunch of pictures in his hands. They were of him and Magnus, smiling and goofing around.   
Closing her eyes, Izzys heart shattered. 

“Alec-“, she started, but Alec suddenly jumped up, whipping away his tears. 

“I’m okay.”, he murmured, walking out of the room. 

 

Six years later. 

It was Simon and Izzys wedding. It had been a grand celebration at a house in idris. The house was more of a mansion, with a wide and open ball room in which the guest whirled around, dancing to the music of Simons band who was currently playing a wild and loud rock song. Even Maryse Lightwood stood there smiling, clapping her hands. 

Alec stood outside on the terrace, watching them with a fond smile. He imagined what his wedding might would have looked like. If it would have been as grand as theirs. Of course it would have been. Magnus had known so many people. They would have married somewhere outside, with hundreds of roses around them. Magnus did love roses.   
Biting his lips, he looked down. It didn’t matter what his wedding would have looked like. The only person he ever would have married was dead. 

 

Seven years later. 

Jace had kneeled in front of Clary one week before, asking her to marry him in front of all of their friends. She said yes. Now, he was standing outside on the balcony of the institute. It was spring and a few young Shadowhunters had visited their institute, Alec was training them in the garden outside. Watching him, Jace gulped. After a few years, he and Alec went back to normal. Hearing heels behind him, Jace closed his eyes. 

“Hey.”, Clary whispered kissing his shoulder. 

“Hey.”, he whispered too. Opening his eyes, he looked back down at Alec again. His throat went dry. 

“I did this to him.”, he whispered. 

Frowning, Clary shook her head. 

“What?”, she said. 

“I killed the love of his life.”, Jace voice broke. 

“Jace, it had been seven years where is this coming this from?”, Clary caressed his cheeks. 

Shaking his head, tears escaped Jaces eyes. 

“The thing about parabatai is that we can feel so much, everything. I felt so much happiness when he first kissed Magnus, I felt his calmness whenever Magnus was around. He may seem fine, but he still feels so much pain Clary. He is broken and it’s my fau-“

“Don’t say that Jace.”, Clary snapped. “You didn’t know.”

 

Eight years later. 

Alec was looking at Clary, smiling at the girl he was so annoyed with at first. The redhead was holding his niece, whose hair was almost as black as his own. Izzys son. Everyone told him that the boy looked just like his uncle. 

Turning around, Alec walked out of the door. 

He couldn’t breath, but it that was normal. He hadn’t breathed freely since a long time. He hadn’t found Magnus alive. There was this short moment after waking up when he forgot what had happened. He imagined Magnus laying next to him, his face and Alecs chest. Magnus warm skin on his own. 

“Alec?”, his sister walked out of the house in Idris, closing the door behind her. 

Turning around, Alec gave her a tight smile. 

“Where are you going?”, she asked, crossing her arms in front of her chest. 

Shrugging, Alec looked around. 

Opening his mouth, he tried to find his voice. Nothing came out. He tried again. 

“My life is bitter, since years now. I was high and now I feel like drowning and I-I… I couldn’t even tell him that I love him Iz. I will never be able to. Why didn’t I tell him very day of our goddam relationship?!”, his voice grew loader and loader. 

Turning around he walked away, the shouts of his name by his sister becoming quitter with each step.

Walking around the city, he searched for a warlock who would portal him to Indonesia. A few years back the downworlders were granted excess to Idris. Stepping through the portal, his breath hitched at the beautiful view. He was at a beach in Indonesia. The water was turquois and the grass where he stood as green as jade. Turning around, he faced a grey gravestone. The air was knocked out of his breath, but he kneeled down nerveless. 

“Hallo Magnus my love.”, he rasped out. 

“I know this comes late, but...I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Magnus Bane is my favourite character of all time and this was the hardest thing to write. I dont know why I do this stuff to myself.


End file.
